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July 21, 2021 | Ilene Proctor

Don't Retort, Just
Abort Texas

Introducing the United Stasi of Texas. Yes, Let's Mess with Texas Now. Don't Retort, Just Abort Texas!

Thanks to the political right wing of the Supreme Court, Herr Abbott, the Reich Commander of Texas has just introduced the New Stasi Security State, a reminder of its parent organization, the secret police agency of the German Democratic Republic (East Germany). The Stasi was one of the most hated and feared institutions of East German communist government.

The Stasi developed out of the international security and police apparatus established in the Soviet zone of occupation in Germany after World War II. The law establishing the ministry whose forerunner was the Kommissariat 5 (modeled along the lines of the Soviet KGB) was passed by the East German legislature on February 8, 1950, four months after the establishment of the German Democratic Republic. The Stasi, whose formal role was not defined in the legislation, was responsible for both democratic political surveillance and foreign espionage, and it was overseen by the ruling Socialist Unity Party. It's chief responsibilities were counterintelligence against Western (now just call them Democratic) agents.

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Texas Governor Abbott

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Under Herr Abbott, the Stasi State of Texas is becoming a highly efective secret police organization. Within its new bounty hunting policy, a $10,000 payoff for any citizen booby trapping its fellow citizens by infiltrating every institution of society and every aspect of the private life, including even intimate personal and familial relationships. It will accomplish this goal both through its official apparatus and through a vast network of informants and unofficial collaborators (Inoffizielle Mitabeiter), to spy on and denounce colleagues, friends, neighbors, and even family members. With any luck, the United Stasi of Texas will gain 500,000 to 2,000,000 collaborators and maintain files on approximately 29,145,505 of its citizens. 

The new Texas Stasi, is now ready to infiltrate every walk of life, suppress political opposition, abort justice and cause the possible imprisonment of hundreds of thousands of citizens, proving itself to be one of the most powerful secret police and espionage services in the world.

The Stasi state of Texas can now be described as true communists

And as a true patriot, I think we should all mess with Texas. Ban and boycott all Texas products, including guns, cowboy hats - And don't snicker, but Snickers, Skittles and Starburst now leave a terrible taste in my mouth: More than half of the Snicker bars consumed in all of North America are made in Waco, at the Mars Chocolate North America Factory.

Take this spice out of your life - Pace Picante Sauce which was originally made in the back of a liquor store in San Antonio. The award-winning salsa company was purchased by Campbells' in 1994 for a whopping $1.2 billion. Eventually the company moved to Paris, Texas, and remains one of the top sellers in the salsa market.

Fast Forward and don't carry on with Hennessy Venom GT. With the ability to go a record-breaking 270 miles per hour - and zero to 100 in 5.6 seconds - the Venom GT hard top coup is world's fastest road car. And it's made in tiny, unassuming Sealy, Texas (pop. 6200).

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Headquarters of the secret Stasi police

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